Ever So Slightly Confuzzled
by TheJondretteGirls
Summary: Featuring Jean Valjean eating cheese sandwiches, Les Amis de l'ABC as penguins and Éponine getting passionate about the difference between Es and És. I'm so sorry. *ADOPTED BY RAINBOW-BUNNII*
1. In Which There Are Cheese Sandwiches

**OK, so I've litreally just written this. It's a bit weird. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

****Jean Valjean was eating a cheese sandwich. He liked cheese sandwiches. They had bread. Jean Valjean (or, for the sake of the author, JVJ) was a bit of a bread addict. Scrap that, he was CRAZY about bread. He used to steal it from the bakery, but then he got caught and was imprisoned. However, if he was not given some sort of bread every _single _day, he would get cravings. Like _serious_ cravings. His would start foaming at the mouth and then burst into song. More on that later.

It just so happened that the prison warden on duty was a (slightly deranged) nice person called Javert. Javert liked stars. Like, really liked stars. Almost as much as JVJ liked bread. But not quite.

It also just so happened (woah, there's a whole load of good luck in this story, isn't there? Maybe it should be called _Les Chanceux_?) that today was the day JVJ was getting released. Javert, being a nice person, packed him a tuck bag full of sparkly cheese sandwiches. JVJ, unlike Javert, was a bit spoilt, he had wanted _salami _in his sandwiches, and he didn't want it to be sparkly! Sparkly things were for girls! In fact, the only thing that JVJ liked that was sparkly was My Little Pony. And that was definitely a very mild obsession. Definitely. He definitely did not know which pony was the cleverest, kindest, clumsiest and sportiest. Definitely not. (But, just in case the reader wanted to know, the answers are Brighteyes, Sweetheart, Clover and Patch respectfully. Not that JVJ knew that. I promise you.) So JVJ threw a tantrum until Javert went and changed the cheese for salami.

Once all things salami-related had been sorted out, Javert and JVJ decided that were going to sing for the rest of their lives for no reason in particular. Y'know, as you do. Javert and JVJ then had a very boring conversation about the lawr, which we will skip over because the reader probably knows what they will say anyway. (And if you don't - SHAME ON YOU!)

JVJ then set off into the big wide world. Like the three little pigs. And, because he was in a three little pigs kind of mood, he built a house out of straw. Which was probably a waste of three hours of his life, but whatever. He then drank from a well that someone had probably peed in, and decided to go and work on a farm. Like Old Mcdonald. Who had a farm, if ya didn't know.

JVJ _almost _got the job, but then (rather stupidly) he decided to show the farmer his medical details. Which may or may not have highlighted his ever so slight obsession with bread. (But definitely not My Little Pony.). So JVJ got sacked because farmers are judgemental like that. He then realised he hadn't had any bread for at least four hours, so he started foaming at the mouth. And, as the author, I can tell you that is not a nice image. Like, _really_, not a nice image.

Especially if you're visualising Alfie Boe.

* * *

**I'm very sorry for subjecting you to that. I had to get it out of my system. **

**Eppy Liz xx**


	2. In Which There Is More Bread

**Hey guys... not in the greatest of moods. Had a massive argument with my friend Mina on Sunday, and she is now hanging out with the "populars". You know. Those kinds of people. And they were picking on some poor Year 5 and I stepped in and told Mina to shut up and she said "Who're you?" My life is so messed up. So if this chapter is sane, that's why. Sorry for unloading all my troubles on you. **

****Now, just across from where JVJ was foaming at the mouth, a bishop was eating his lunch. Or breakfast. Or dinner. It depends what kind of day you're visualising. But, for the sake of sanity, let's just say it's breakfast. So, um, yes, where were we, bishop eating Shredded Wheat with a _special _ingredient in it. Said bishop saw JVJ foaming at the mouth, and said:

"Poor guy! He looks really tasty - um, I mean friendly as well!" JVJ heard the bishop, and was not at all disturbed by the fact he had been called "tasty". He saw this bishop eating Shredded Wheat, and thought - BREAD! So he walked over and said:

"Excusez moi, sil vous plait, please get your big butt out of my way!" The bishop was only partially offended by this, thinking _If I'm going to eat - I mean greet - him anyway, it won't make much of a difference whether he's rude or not!_. So he invited JVJ into his home. Which was a bit of a cool home, if you ask me. I mean, it had freaking stained glass windows! And stuff. But JVJ was in brick mode, so he thought it was a bit of a crap home. Which the bishop didn't really care about because he was going to eat - _greet_ - this dude anywhoo.

The bishop served up JVJ bread, more bread, white bread, wholemeal bread, granary bread, brown bread, bagels, English muffins, crumpets and pitta bread. JVJ ate these up in about two minutes, which didn't give the bishop anytime to season - I mean _reason - _with him. JVJ, soon began eating the silverware, simply because he was hungry. What quickly followed was two policemen, randomly walking in on the situation and arresting JVJ for eating silverware. Which JVJ was much offended by, I mean, it's not like there's a law saying he _can't _eat silverware. And if there was the very least people could do was to tell him about it. Meanwhile, the bishop was cooking bolognese sauce, because he had heard that the very best sauce to go with men - I mean _beans _- was bolognese. He waved the policemen away, saying it was his snack - I mean _chap_ - but, if there was any, they could have the leftovers. The bishop took out his fork and stuck it in JVJ's leg.

"Ow!" cried JVJ, "That's not very nice!" He then into a magical My Little Pony (but just because he thought it would be a good idea. Not because he was obsessed with them or anything) and karate kicked the bishop in the place that will not be named. And then he flew away because My Little Ponies are cool like that.

**Oh god, that really was bad, wasn't it. OK, I've got an audition for a stage show on Saturday, so afraid there won't be any more updates until Sunday, because I'm practising. **

**Eppy Liz xxxxxx (People, send me kisses please. I need comfort. :'( )**


	3. In Which There Is The TARDIS

**Hey. I know I said there wouldn't be anymore until Sunday, but I am ****_really _****ill, and I am unable to do anything productive, so I thought I would just do this. I think I'm gonna visualise Hugh Jackman as Valjean, because I just like the idea of Wolverine as a My Little Pony. Oh God, what has the world come to? :)**

****So, where were we? Oh yes, magical My Little Pony JVJ. As he was flying away, he realised he should probably stop stealing bread. I don't know why. He just decided it. Deal with it. So, anywhoo, JVJ The Magical My Little Pony decided he was going to become a nicer, slightly less obsessive man. And that was that.

OK, a few years later (I can't be bothered to go and check in my brick how many, so just make it up, kay?) there was this random lady called Fantine. I don't think Fantine was obsessive, unless it was secret. But I'm pretty sure she had anger management problems. Fantine couldn't be bothered to look after her kid, so she dumped her with some random lady she met on the street. Which she might have thought was a good idea at the time... but now not so much. So she went a bit crazy after a while and started calling for her daughter, who was apparently called Cosette, but may have been called Eupharasie, depending on how you look at it. Fantine was very sad, so she brought all her childcare bills to work. As you do. For no reason in particular.

Now, there was also this snoopy factory lady, who I am going to call Reese because my older sister is called Reese and she is playing her in the school performance. So... yeah. So, evil Reese stole Fantine's childcare bills, and automatically assumed Fantine was doing *insert non-K+ rated stuff here*. Because factory girls, very much like farmers, are judgemental like that. So, Fantine got kicked out by some seriously creepy foreman, who would have been sacked if the factories had any kind of CODE OF CONDUCT! BUT NO! THEY ARE PERFECTLY FINE TO LET THEIR FOREMAN DO *INSERT NON-K+ RATED STUFF HERE* TO THEIR WORKERS! IT'S UNNECCESARY AND SLIGHTLY CREEPY! I THINK THEY NEED TO GET THE HEALTH INSPECTORS OR SUMMAT ON THEM!

Anywhoo, Fantine got very angry and kicked the foreman in the place that shall not be named. Which probably didn't help much. Fantine got chucked out, and I'm pretty sure they should have at least let her walk out by herself, but I guess the foreman was in a pretty bad mood seeing as Fantine had kicked him the place that shall not be named.

Now, Fantine was pretty annoyed, so she decided she would sing a song about how annoyed she was. And she was just about to, until she saw Anne Hathaway singing it. Which made Fantine even more annoyed, and she cried:

"What the hell do you think you're doing? I was gonna sing that? Seriously! Do I even get my way ONCE IN THIS SHOW?" She obviously didn't I mean it's _Les Misérables _people! Anne Hathaway was pretty scared by this lady, and automatically blamed it on Lea Salonga. Who was pretty annoyed by getting blamed, so blamed it on Ruthie Henshall. And this went on for some time, until _finally _Patti LuPone blamed it on Rose Laurens. And Rose Laurens realised she couldn't blame it on anyone, so she was chased around Montreuil-sur-Mer by a crazed Fantine, who _really really really _wanted her solo. Like, really.

Rose Laurens, Patti LuPone, Ruthie Henshall, Lea Salonga, Anne Hathaway and all the other fake Fantine's jumped into their TARDIS, which for some reason they stole off Doctor Who, who was pretty annoyed and was coming after them on an Anti-Gravity Motorbike with Clara Oswin-Oswald. But that's another story.

And _then _Fantine got her solo. But apparently it was against the law to sing in public places, just like it was against the law to eat silverware. So she didn't get to finish her solo after all.

**Well, today I found out that the Original French Fantine was Rose Laurens! You learn something new every day! :) **


	4. In Which There There Are Chavs

**AND I'M BACKKKKK! :D With more confuzzling nonsense! Just wanted to say, I've written an Azlema/Grantiare fic, called Hating You Is Remarkably Easy, and I would really really really really appreciate it if you could check it out? And I'm not ill anymore! Just in time for the weekend! Hehehe - what a stroke of luck! Anywhoo, here's more obssesive Valjean, angry Fantine, and (honest!) a perfectly sane Javert!**

Fantine was about to be arrested by Javert, who was singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' when along came... *fanfare* JVJ!No sorry, not JVJ, _Monseiur Madeleine_. Because he felt like changing his name. As you do. So, Monseiur Madeleine (who will hereby be known as Maddy, because the author thinks it's funny - see? My level of maturity is amazingly high.) karate kicked Javert in the place that shall not be named. Wow. An awful lot of that happens in this story, doesn't it? Anywhoo, Javert was very angry, and so ensued... a cat fight! There was a whole lot of:

"OMG, you did _not _sistaa!"

"You well gel? You well gel?"

"I is sooo not well gel? You is well gel gurrlfriend!"

Fantine was extremely annoyed, so she whacked them both on the head and said:

"Look dudes, _I am the centre of attention right now_! Purrr-lease!"

Both men stared at her, and then they stared at each other. And so continued the cat fight.

Well, thought Fantine, here's my time to shine!

"But the tigers come at night!" she shrieked, "With their voices soft as thunderrrrr!"

"OMG sistaa!" cried Maddy, "Tigers are soooo not nocturnal! OMG, you need to go back to RE-CEP-TION!"

"I was being metaphorical." growled Fantine. And then she kicked him in... Oh! You know where she kicked him by now! Maddy was a bit annoyed by this, so he punched her. And, becuase he was magical and also the mayor he could do what he wanted. Javert realised that this was all probably against the lawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and that he should probably arrest them. So he did.

"Woah sistaaaa!" cried Maddy, "You cannot arrest me! Are you well gel of me being the mayor then? OMG police dude is well gel!"

"I am sooooo not well gel! I'M JAVERRRTTTT! DO NOT FORGET MY NAME! DO NOT FORGET ME! 24601!" said Javert. Maddy was a bit confused, a) because he was pretty sure that if Javert knew he was 24601 he had aquired himself a stalker and b) this should probably have happened about 10ish years ago. Javert looked a bit confuzzled and then said:

"Well, I am. Yeah, sistaaa!"

Fantine was a bit confuzzled as well.

"Look dudes, I appreciate you fighting over me and all that," she said, "But would one of you look after my kid? Can't really be bothered to do it myself. Plus, kids mean pooey nappies. And vomit. And I don't do sick."

"HFODSHGSDHGURIFJIOESHDHGFUHSUOHFDSOHFIDSF NO." said Javert.

"Yeah, OK, WHATEVS FINE!" said Maddy, "Oh, and BTW Javvie, I'm actually Jean Valjean, yeah, you know, the one who you gave a MLP lunchbox to!"

"Oh." said Javert, "Well, I'm gonna arrest you sistaaa for kicking a bishop!"

"He was gonna eat me!"

"Talk to the booty, coz the hand's off duty and the face is on vay-cay-shun!"

"Ew. No. Right, I'm gonna go look after this lady's pooey, vomity kid now, so catch ya later!"

And that left Fantine, who decided to take a holiday to Hawaii, and Javert, who promptly jumped off a bridge, which is kinda gonna ruin the rest of the story...


End file.
